Wandering Between Hope and Fear

Anyone who has known me, whether for a few hours or many years, would probably describe me as strong. They might also say I am confident and happy. And I am those things. But only I know the quiet battles that unfold inside me. It takes constant effort to bring myself back to calm. I work to return to contentment. I strive for something that feels like peace.

The strange thing is that every time I begin to feel settled, something inside me tenses. When I let myself believe that life can be normal again, I feel a tension arise. Maybe it is Murphy’s law. Maybe it is just random. But for the past twenty five years, moments of contentment have often been followed by loss. Someone has left my life through death or divorce. It could be coincidence. It could be my mind drawing patterns where there are none. But the impact remains.

There is a part of me that fears happiness. The moment I start to feel hopeful or excited about the future, a quiet voice whispers, “Do not trust this. It can disappear in a second.” And suddenly fear returns. Anxiety crawls back. My mind fills with endless possibilities of things going wrong.

When the fear becomes overwhelming, my brain tries to protect me by searching for reasons. Maybe it is the house. Maybe the Vastu or feng shui is wrong. Maybe I am not praying enough. Maybe it is the evil eye. Maybe I am simply unlucky. But deep down, I know none of this is true. It is only my mind trying to make sense of pain that arrived without warning.

Even when I know the fear is irrational, anxiety still feels safer than hope. Maybe this is where I still need to grow. I need to stay present. I should look ahead with a little hope. I should stop chasing happiness somewhere in the future. Pieces of happiness are already here with me. Maybe I don’t need a plan… just do.

I am learning to build small mechanisms that quiet my anxiety and soften the thoughts that spiral out of control. And perhaps writing my vulnerability here is one small step toward healing.